October 30th / 40 weeks & 1 day of Ira Gray

I am a few weeks late in sharing this but it was such a sweet day for me as a mother that I thought I would share it still. (pretend with me I am posting this at the right time) I am sure for many people it isn't a big deal but I marked this special day on my calendar a long time ago. Sunday, October 30th, the day Ira would be 40 weeks and one day old. He was in my belly for 40 weeks and one day and now has been in my arms for the same. I can't express it with words but it makes my heart feel so many emotions. I never knew the love you could have for a single person could cause your heart to feel so much pain. It hurts to love so hard yet to even imagine life without that pain is far worse than the pain itself. It's like a constant ache but sharper and grows slowly stronger with every beat. Sometimes it feels as if your heart will come right out of your chest but then, really, it already has in the form of a 21lb joyful crawling little munchkin. Other times it feels like it can't get any bigger or hold any more love and then you blink and your boy is bigger and your heart keeps stretching still to fit him all in. 

And she loved a little boy, very very much - even more than she loved herself. -Shel Silverstein

Thoughts on Motherhood: Learning About Sacrifice

At Bethesda House a couple of months ago we celebrated all the things God had done so far in the year for and through our ministry and had a big feast and worship time. We try to model it a little after the feasts held in the Old Testament to remember and celebrate God. This particular one was our Feast of First Fruits and and we all had to come prepared to give a sacrifice (no we didn't kill any sheep ;) it was a sacrifice to be given from the heart to symbolize something of the year so far) and it was a beautiful time.

As I prepared I really didn't know what God wanted me to bring before Him. What was I to lay down? To be honest, besides myself, I did't feel like I had much left to lay down. I mean there are always things but with this year being one of stepping fully into motherhood I had already laid down so much of myself and my life I felt a bit bare and empty handed.

I decided to go with the theme thus far of the year and again sacrifice myself, my heart, time, desires etc. but as I prepared God asked me "why?" Why do you sacrifice yourself? I could say I do it for Ira, for Jason, our family, because I have to, etc. I can think of multiple reasons that are true but ultimately the laying down of self day after day and night after night isn't for any of those things.

It's for Him. It's for the glory of God.

So my sacrifice turned from one of offering myself to one of the acknowledgement of why I offer myself. I don't know if that makes sense but for me it shifted something and settled head knowledge into deep heart realization of what drives me. I love Ira. More than my own life. He himself is worth it but even more so is Jesus. Its a perspective I knew in my head and with my words but didn't wear the lens of it over this aspect of my life.

Whats your perspective? Let Him shift your gaze and move your heart into the place of acknowledging that ultimately the daily laying down of yourself is for the One who laid down Himself for you. It helps and He helps and in the laying down you gain life and are sustained by Strength much better than your own and are filled with Love immeasurable.

I Seek to Lift Thy Load

I do not ask you to take time for Me with the intention of placing a burden upon thee in requiring thee to do so. Rather than adding a requirement, I seek to lift thy load. Rather than burdening thee with a devotional obligation, I desire to take from thee the tensions of life. - Come Away My Beloved

I read this little golden truth the other day and thought this is the heart of God. We often make time with Him a burden to carry but He wants to spend time with us to carry our burdens. He doesn't want to meet with us to fill up our time and make us tired but to fill up our spirits and give us peace. He is too good.